Mr. Chocolate shone light on some insecurities I did not even know I had. It was bad. As of today, I have tried on several occasions to break up with him. Like seriously.
I am usually calm, cool and collected. The guys who court me never see me getting jealous or unhinged. I think I can even be icy. I am usually so unbothered. It was not the case with Mr. Chocolate. LOL
A part of me wanted to say this is too good to be true therefore just break up with him.
However trying to break up with him has no effect on him.
Why God? Take him away.
I am however back to being as calm as a cucumber coz I realized God is still in control, if he is the one or not, at least I have learnt some lessons.
Sometimes he really had not done anything; I just wanted him gone. So I had to investigate this behavior.
The first thing I was doing was sabotaging the relationship. Ashley Brown had an awesome video about the exact topic on her YouTube channel.
Why would I do that?
Because I did not want anyone to hurt me.
Because I really did not want to leave the safety of my single life.
Yes, I did not really want to get married. It was too disruptive; this love thing. In theory I thought I wanted to, but not really.
Falling in love was such an uncomfortable place to be in.
One of my best male friends has told me I deliberately push men away…and though I’ve never fully believed him, I was like, “You are so right.”
People in the whole world are clamoring for and are brave enough to risk getting married, while I on the other hand I’m busy protecting the safety and comfort zone that is my single life.
Ashley said you have to be open to receive love and marriage.
Shock to me, I was not.
You may be closed because your past relationships and associations with love were bad. So you start ruining a relationship even before it starts because it is better to be in this single space.
You also expect this man to hurt you.
Another issue I had to acknowledge was the fact I felt maybe I did not deserve this man. My favorite person on YouTube is Sista Celibacy. That chic is hilarious. But she also talked about this on this video.
Why would you not feel like you deserved somebody or did not think you deserved being a bride and having a big wedding and so on?
Well for starters coming from Kenya where being single and being my age is a heinous crime (cue the SVU music), I have been ridiculed, made fun of and handed down a sentence of perpetual doom in my role of spinster who will die with her 20 kitties around her. I even like cats.
So I took the sentence and owned it. I thought this was me. Being single was my fault because I was too picky. Yes it was my fault and for that I deserved a punishment of permanent solitude.
I remember my relatives’ words. “Do you know you are old, what are your S.M.A.R.T goals for landing a man?”
How about flush your goals down a toilet somewhere? LOL
One day I had a date with a younger man like 10 years younger. “He must be so desperate to be dating you,” said one of relatives. Evil much?
So it had been drilled into me that this is who I was and I was actually OK with it.
I saw the error of my ways which were previously hidden, but it is not in my nature to beat myself up for long. I don’t believe in struggling to make things fit. Maybe if I displayed these characteristics you may not be the one and you taught me those lessons for the next man.
Then dating above 30 is not easy. You have met many men and heard them promise so many things. At this stage you don’t really buy what a man says, you look at what he does. Actions speak louder than words.
This was a biggie for me.
I wish I was 20 and starry eyed and took whatever a man said as the solid truth. It is just not the case now. Really sad.
This is my last article on this topic. Luckily, my life is full with so many things and people who really love and cherish me, so there’s a limit to how much head space a man can occupy now. I can’t dwell on this perpetually.
I will however admit Mr. Chocolate has come the closest to conquering me. He is not scared by my mood swings. I am not easy to date. LOL.
He also made me realize there is still hope for me to get married one day. It is not a faraway dream anymore. It can really literally just happen in 6 months if you meet the right man. I just need to stop what I am doing and I’ll be good to go. The question is do I even want that? I need help. LOL. LOL.