It was a warm September day in Malmo, Sweden. It is usually cold by then but this year the sun decided to grace us with its presence before winter rolled in.
I was at my favorite café, Espresso House, preparing for articles I would feature in the first month of my newly launched blog.
Then a headline caught my attention.
Pregnant at 50! Janet Jackson looks ready to burst as the ageless beauty goes shopping for baby furniture in London.
I immediately had two conflicting feelings; hope and terror. Together.
Let me explain.
Kids adore me and vice versa. It’s like they can smell some candy in my soul. We play, I make them laugh and keep them amused.
A few years ago, at a subconscious level, I assumed I’d be married and be a mother. I always wanted to have a husband to share parenting duties with, my desire never just involved a baby.
I guess I dreamt about my wedding and how I would dress my mini-me. I always wanted a girl so she could wrap her little heart around my hubby who would then pay for our mom-daughter manicure trips.
That was a few years ago…..
Several winters turned into spring and just like that, I turned 40, this year.
Luckily I am ageless like Janet. A cute guy who was 12 years younger than me and courting me refused to believe my age, I even offered to show him my ID and he said, “Don’t bother, you must have a fake passport.”
Actually this phenomenon is shared by a group of my friends. I don’t know what youth fountain we drank from.
I am single and don’t have kids. However, my elder sister who died of a rare genetic disease called cerebellar ataxia in 2011 had a daughter who I want to take care of when I monetize my writing.
Additionally, I have a gift of turning lemons into lemonade. It’s actually a PhD at this stage.
When I found myself unwed with no little ones around, I did not plan to eliminate myself.
Probably to the chagrin of the many Kenyans who have been the cause of mockery, angst and humiliation for me and have plunged my mum into a DARK state of anguish.
My life is not ordinary. I don’t do things because a billion people think I should. I walk to the sound of my drums. I also gave over this men area to God after my own dismal performance and don’t think God finding a man for a woman who looks 10-15 years younger than her actual age, is a big problem He needs to consult on.
Most people do not see this happening but all I can say is “Oh ye of little faith.”
Anyway, I’ve learnt to be happy in all seasons of my life and not to think I will attain a blissful state of happiness when a certain event happens. When I get a husband, a baby or when I buy an Iphone 10.
I think many people do not realise this and are in a continous state of looking for the one thing that will cure them, fix them. They don’t see the things to be grateful for in their current situation.
Since I am the expert of finding the slightest glimmer of a silver lining in the darkest cloud, I made lemonade out of my “lemony kidless and hubbyless” condition.
I noted all the perks I had being single and childless.
- I sleep uninterrupted throughout the night.
- I do not suffer from the chronic fatigue parents face.
- I started writing in 2014 and I can write at any time of the day. I have uninterrupted silence and can expend all my energy towards writing.
- I am not beaten by a man. Everyone thinks you will obviously marry a good man but statistics show this is not the case. Your hubby could be abusive and also cheating on you. He could be on that dating website that was hacked.
- I don’t have to co-parent with a man I can’t stand. Love turns into hate in lightning speed.
- I do not deal with toddlers having epic temper tantrums and throwing themselves on the ground in a store.
- I dont have to clean up poop my kids decided was wall art.
I could go on to number 50 but you get the point. I focused on all the advantages I had till it reached a point I was telling God that I was good if He did not want me to be a mother. Being 40, I also decided not to expose my baby to health risks just because I had to have a baby. Plus I am not doing IVF.
Although I still wanted to get marrried; I’ve been telling God it would be nice if my husband has kids from before. I want my husband to be OK with us having our own baby or not. Of course if I get pregnant we will welcome the baby.
Actually I thought that this pushing-baby-from-my-womb story was dead and buried. Apparently not.
At this time I should be throwing confetti at the thought of me being a mother but my perks have become my friends. We may break up. I dont know how I feel about thhat.